JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
