I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
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if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
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When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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