WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
