I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
