we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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