K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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