what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
