I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My butt remains clenched, sir.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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