I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
