You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
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In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
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I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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