I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
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I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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