There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
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He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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