Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
