babies were throwing up all over the place
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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