____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
