I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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