just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
