we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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