Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
