Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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