so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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