Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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