Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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