Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
