Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
