I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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