Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now