Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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