I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
