If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
