My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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