i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
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Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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