I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
