first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
