dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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