I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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