haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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