all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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