beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
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