so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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