I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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