Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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