I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Randomize