If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize