I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
