I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
