a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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