Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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