My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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