That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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