don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?