so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
